Beyond the Ordinary: Transforming Everyday Interactions with Your Child
How do we build a strong relationship with our child? Although it’s something we might assume is automatic, it actually must be intentional in practice. A meaningful relationship requires time and communication. So much of our day-to-day defaults to quantity over quality. Meaning, although we spend a significant amount of time with our children each day (quantity), these interactions are missing the key markers that make the time together meaningful (quality). Good news, this is an easy fix!
Maximize Ordinary Moments. Most families spend time each day driving somewhere in the car together. Instead of using this time to talk on the phone or letting your child watch a show or play a video game in the backseat, maximize this time together! Many children, especially boys, actually communicate better without the pressure of face-to-face eye contact which makes the car the perfect setting for successful conversations. Try a conversation starter like The Pit & Cherry or Great & Not-So-Great. Children often come up with ludicrous and funny questions for adults - take a page out of your child’s question playbook and surprise them with questions like “What animal would you want to be?” or “How long do you think it would take to run to the moon?”
Other ordinary moments can also be turned into quality time, such as bath time or sitting down together for dinner. Utilize the PPP Daily Journal that is emailed home each day your child attends school to spark dialogue about their day. “I saw the buildings in the block area of your classroom today. Wow! I noticed one was really high. Did you see who built it?”
Connect through Discipline. Although discipline often holds a negative connotation, the true meaning of the word is to teach. The only person we can control is ourselves. Conscious Discipline outlines Seven Powers for the mindful adult that fosters connection and encourages active engagement from both the parent and child through the corresponding Seven Skills. These are the only skills necessary to transform everyday conflict into teachable moments.
For instance, the power of Perception states no one can make you angry without your permission with the goal to teach adults and children to take responsibility for their own upset. It corresponds with the skill of Composure which is being the person you want others to become and is grounded in the value of integrity and the practical knowledge of delayed gratification and anger management. Viewing times of conflict through this teaching lens allows us to transform these ordinary moments into powerful opportunities for connection.
“The best inheritance a parent can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.” -Orlando Aloysius Battista
Nine Minute Magic. Created by neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp, Nine Minute Magic is a manageable way to carve out purposeful time with your child every day. These small moments hold a big impact by connecting with your child during significant transitions in their day: three minutes after they wake up; three minutes when they return home in the afternoon from school; and three minutes before they go to bed. Nine Minute Magic is intended to be done one-on-one with a child. When we proactively connect with our child we build trust, decrease behavioral challenges, and strengthen communication. An I Love You ritual is one example of a way to connect with your child during these magic moments. Although there are multiple ready-made I Love You rituals available through Conscious Discipline, you can also make up your own ritual. The key components are eye contact, touch, presence, and playfulness.
A gentle reminder that as parents, we are striving for a practice makes progress mindset. Start where you are and do what you can. If nine minutes seems overwhelming between multiple children, jobs, or other responsibilities then break it down into manageable steps and build on the momentum. Start with the time of day that is easiest for your schedule and then add on.
How do we get kids to listen? We listen to them first. When we listen to the small moments, the ordinary day-to-day of their life, we show children that they matter. Because the small moments for us are often the big moments for them. Once we have built the foundation for a strong relationship, it’s time to raise the bar for our children and ourselves. How? Stay tuned for next month’s blog!