Self-criticism, in small doses, can be a helpful tool. It can motivate us to improve ourselves, encourage introspection and acknowledgment of our role in a situation, enhance performance, help set goals, learn and grow from mistakes, and foster self-awareness.
However, an unchecked inner critic can manifest itself in the most unsupportive and antisocial ways.
“I can’t do anything right!”
“I am so dumb!”
“I am always a mess!”
“Wow, that was so stupid what I just did!”
If we’ve been carrying around a negative inner critic for years, it can manifest itself in a number of ways: perfectionism, setting unrealistic standards for ourselves, constantly comparing ourselves to others, impostor syndrome, guilt, shame, overgeneralization, mind reading, catastrophizing, and many more. And while we might think, "Oh, that's somebody else’s problem and their private matter," unfortunately, that inner critic affects everyone around.
The effects of a harsh inner critic are tangible. Low self-esteem, insecurity, difficulty in receiving feedback, avoidance, interpersonal conflicts, people-pleasing, difficulty in trusting others, problems with expressing oneself clearly, irritability, defensiveness, or even hostility. And while none of us is completely free of issues, challenges or traumas, these effects have a real impact on conversations, communication, collaboration and relationships with others.
Our world is all about connection and we all have a deep need to foster mutual respect, appreciation and kindness. But finding that connection and kindness to others will not work well if we are not kind to ourselves in the first place.
One of the tools to find kindness to ourselves is mindfulness - a buzzword of recent years.
Mindfulness begins with self-awareness: a non-judgmental awareness of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. This awareness helps recognize moments of self-criticism, self-doubt, and negative self-talk, which affect how we act and interact with others. By observing these thoughts without judgment, we create a space for self-compassion to emerge. Kindness to oneself involves treating ourselves with the same warmth, care, and understanding that we would offer to a dear friend. It's about acknowledging our imperfections and accepting ourselves with all strengths and weaknesses.This heightened awareness enables us to observe our reactions and judgments when dealing with people, especially in challenging situations.
By practicing mindfulness, we can interrupt knee-jerk reactions and respond to others with greater empathy and understanding. Instead of immediately assigning blame or harboring resentment, we can step back and consider the broader context and the individual's perspective. This thoughtful pause allows us to extend grace to others by offering forgiveness and understanding, even when they may have hurt or disappointed us. Giving grace is a powerful act of empathy that promotes healthier relationships, fosters conflict resolution, and contributes to a more compassionate and forgiving world.
Easy to say, harder to do. For the sake of creating healthier relationships and a better community, let’s see if, just for the sake of trying it out, you can find and name your own preferred mindfulness practice, and, if you haven’t yet, add it to your everyday routine for a few weeks. Some of the examples are:
Mindful breathing
Mindful eating
Mindful listening
Meditation
Walks
Yoga
Exercise
Expressions of Creativity (playing a musical instrument, creating art, etc)
Daily Gratitude
I am grateful for the fact I am alive, that I can breathe, that I have food to eat, that I have a safe place to live, that I live in a peaceful country, and that I am surrounded by those close to me who I know say the same gratitude prayer for me every night.
