Over the past few months, I’ve observed an interesting phenomenon---people cringe at the word “discipline”. I blame the author of Proverbs. “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24). This verse is often used in defense of using physical force when disciplining children. To be honest, we were even tempted to avoid the word for our star words this year. So, when our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at Pinnacle was told our special guest would be speaking on Conscious Discipline I was intrigued. And after just an hour learning from our instructor Diana Brown, I was hooked.
You see, we had been struggling with our 2-year-old using another dirty word: NO. I know, I know. It’s completely normal. But just because it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s easy. (Especially when said 2-year-old expands her vocabulary to “NO WAY.”) In our good moments, we chuckle. In our not-so-proud moments, we resemble a sleep-deprived toddler. So, when I learned the simple technique of offering choices, I took it home and shared it with my husband. The next week was downright blissful!
Me: Time to get in the car.
T: NO WAY!
Me: *Woo-saa breath* Do you want to walk to the car? Or do you want me to carry you to the car?
T: Carry you [me].
Me: **Oh. My. Gosh. It worked**
I’ve been attending Diana’s 3-week Conscious Discipline class offered through Pinnacle’s Preschool. Pinnacle’s teachers are trained in Conscious Discipline and use these methods in the classroom. It’s helpful not just for educators and parents, but for anyone who interact with children. So, I asked Diana some questions and wanted to share with you. Enjoy!
What is the biggest misconception about discipline?
We often equate discipline with punishment. "All that kid needs is a little more DISCIPLINE!" Which can be a true statement due to discipline coming from the word disciple, which means "to teach". When we discipline children, we are teaching them to behave in a helpful way.
What is the main principal of Conscious Discipline?
Conscious Discipline is based on current brain research. It’s designed to help adults MODEL the behaviors we want children to possess. The CD method includes 7 powers and skills. The first skill is Composure (for adults.) Coinciding with the skill of composure is the power of perception: To acquire the skill of composure, one must have the perception that no one can make me angry without my permission.
How did you get involved in this method?
I found Conscious Discipline as a classroom teacher. I was hooked by Dr. Becky Bailey immediately. A phrase she mentioned was: If you give a child a sticker because she is nice to her friend, what does the child value? As a teacher and a parent, this hit home for me. How can we guide/discipline children by giving them stuff and/or taking stuff away? CD taught me the skills to instill intrinsic motivation in children. I also loved the simplified brain state model to help us understand children's behavior and the skills to manage brain states. (Ours and our children's brain states.)
Emotions and personal history often factor into our class discussions. Why?
Yes, our upbringing definitely comes into play when becoming a parent ourselves. I always emphasize that our parents, grandparents etc. were all doing the very best they could with the skills and information they had. Now that we understand more about the brain, our triggers, and what is developmentally "normal," we can choose to look at misbehavior in new and helpful ways.
As an educator and parent, how have you seen parenting evolve over the years?
I believe in my heart that we all want to be the best parents we can be. Some of us choose to parent as we were parented. Others choose to "upgrade" some of the discipline techniques that were used on us. The catch here is that if we are not careful, we might become too passive or too "buddy buddy" with our kids and fail to set appropriate limits.
Our constant attachment to our phones is a concern. I understand! My advice to parents is to be mindful of your phone use at certain times. When you say goodbye to your children/when you pick them up from school/when you are having a family meal together etc. leave the phones in another room. This sends the message to children that you are present and connection with each other is possible.
What would you say to those of us “in the trenches” with littles?
Aaah! Being in the trenches with "littles" is HARD!!!! 1) Take care of yourself. 2) Find support with like-minded parents. 3) Play with your kids. 4) Remember to actively calm yourself when handling "misbehavior" or tantrums etc. Your calm will transfer to them. Breathe and see all misbehavior as a call for help.
If you’d like to learn more, visit www.consciousdiscipline.com or purchase a copy of, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Bailey.
